Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church, Mad News

Vatican City (AP) – At a press conference held this morning in St. Peter’s Square, Microsoft Corporation and the Vatican announced that the software industry giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified amount of common stock of Microsoft Corp.

“If the transaction is carried out as they have proposed, it will be the first time that a software company buys one of the world’s great religions.” With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the vice president of the new religious software division. of the company, while current vice presidents of Microsoft Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be in charge of the College of Cardinals, “Microsoft President Bill Gates said.

“We expect great growth in the religious market in the next five or ten years,” Gates said. “The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a greater number of people.”

“Through The Microsoft Network, the company’s online service, online sacraments will be available for the first time, and we will relive the practice of selling indulgences, so common in the pre-Counter-Reformation era,” Gates said. “You can commune, confess your sins, receive absolution and even reduce your time in Purgatory, all without leaving home.”

A new program, Microsoft Church, can be programmed to automatically transfer blessings to your hard drive while you are not working on your computer.

Some 17,000 people watched the announcement in St. Peter’s Square, watching the comedian Don Novello on the big screen, in the role of Father Guido Sarducci, acting as host of the event, which was also broadcast via satellite to the whole world. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello told Gates, “I guess you’ll have to wear one of those pointed hats now,” the audience laughed, but the pontiff did not seem at all pleased.

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The agreement gives Microsoft exclusive electronic rights over the Bible and the Vatican art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics said Microsoft will have problems if it tries to limit competitors’ access to such intellectual property. “We Jews invented the Holy Scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You only started in the Red Sea, we were thousands of years before the Catholics appeared.”

But others argue that both the Catholic and the Jewish faith are the same, of Abraham. “Only that the Catholic Church has been more successful in marketing, has managed to sell it to a wider audience,” says the theologian of Notre Dame, Father Kenneth Madigan. In the last 2,000 years, the market share of the Catholic Church has increased considerably, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts defended by Christianity, lagged behind.

Historically, the Church has the reputation of being an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to actualize Catholicism, and granting exclusive licenses in several kingdoms where all are made members of Catholicism, even if they do not plan to use it. Today’s Christianity is available in various denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The mission of the Church is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” imitating Microsoft’s project of “a computer on every desk and in every home.”

Gates described Microsoft’s long-term strategy of developing a religious architecture that is compatible with all religions through emulation. A single basic religion will be offered along with a series of interfaces according to the desired religion. “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” Gates said.

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Microsoft’s move can trigger a series of mergers and takeovers, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Baptist Church, as the other churches try to improve their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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