A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone. After the husband picked up the phone his wife said ” Where are you, you know […]
A man goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of fireing 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help. Preparing for the […]
A Scottish couple took in a young woman as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub. “Monday’s the best night, when my […]
A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.The bartender thinks “Wow, a talking duck,” and pours him a beer. The bartender asks “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?” The duck says “No, I live across town. I’m a drywaller, […]
Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available. The prime minister says: “I need a parachute, I’ve […]
A little girl and her mother are at Church… when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. “Yes,” the girl says. “But I […]
A missionary was spending time with a tribe in Africa when the chiefs wife gave birth to a white baby. The tribe was absolutely enraged at what this could mean since the missionary was the only white guy for miles. As the warriors of the tribe were closing in, about […]
A priest goes in a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion. Priest: “Dear Lord, I haven’t asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace […]
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and he throws up all over the front of his shirt. “Oh great, my wife is going to kill me,” he mumbles to himself. The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards […]
Two women stumbling home from the pub are forced to take an emergency stop in the graveyard on the way home. The first uses her knickers to wipe and then drops them in the bin with the funeral flowers. The other uses a wreath from a new grave. The next […]
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!” His wife replied, “Yes, but […]
Wife: Dear..do you remember what saree I was wearing when u came to see me…for the first time. Husband: No..I don’t remember. Wife: see..u don’t love me at all. Husband: its not like that honey.. A person going to keep his head on the railway track will not be checking […]
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s […]
