A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.” The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?” The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.” The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?” The nurse smiles, “Then […]
A man pulls up his car at a red light next to a woman in her car. He opens his windows and glances at the woman. The woman also opens the window and looks at him questioningly. The man smiles and says: “Ah, you too? Gas is a b*, isn’t […]
A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents, “Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!” The parents are very happy and ask, “That’s amazing Lenny! And what was the question?” Sticking out his chest, […]
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, “Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?” Father looks up, smiling, “Yeah, did it work?” The boy screams, “You could have mentioned that the potato goes […]
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!”–The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, “hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I’ve forgotten what hole I am on, and you […]
A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you? Billionaire: I lied about my age Friend: You said 45? Billionaire: No! I said 90!
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, “I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one […]
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e- mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always […]
An old football player was dying.So he called her wife and told her: “My dearest you see I’m dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?”Her spouse said: “Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times: Do you remember it was so difficult […]
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie’s feet are in agony. […]
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, “You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?” The accountant looks at the sheep for a […]
