A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.The bartender thinks “Wow, a talking duck,” and pours him a beer. The bartender asks “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?” The duck says “No, I live across town. I’m a drywaller, […]
Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available. The prime minister says: “I need a parachute, I’ve […]
Three guys go in for a job interview The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose […]
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as […]
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.The officer says, ” I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .” The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. “ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: […]
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.The man called over to his wife, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.” […]
Husband: Have you heard of King Akbar? Wife: Yes, what about him? Husband: He had three wives.Wife: So?? Husband: That means I can marry two more times? Wife: Have you heard of Draupadi !!!??? Husband: I was just kidding dear!!!! You take things too seriously!!!!
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked “So what do you say to the […]
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back… A nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand. ” The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she shouts, “Can’t! […]
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother said, “Well, maybe […]
A pair of rich blondes went shopping for 3 hours. When they arrived back at the car, they had a panic attack because Blonde #1 had accidently left the keys inside the Ferrari. They pulled at the doors for hours, tried unlocking the car with a pin, and even tried […]
Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon. He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but […]
Little Johnny and Mary were standing at the beach in their bathing suits. Johnny says to Mary, hey you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. Mary says ok, and drops her bathing suit the same time as Johnie.
