Recently I applied to a Munich artist agency for the cast of the main role of the planned film (comedy) “Beautiful Cow Seeks Organic Farmers”. My detailed CV – a very varied Vita – I have not just enclosed a recent full body photo of me, but also this cover letter.
Dear Mr. Dannemann,
I’m sure you’ll wonder why I applied for the lead role in your upcoming comedy “Beautiful Cow Seeking Organic Farmers”, where I never attended drama school, and never stood on the boards of a theater, or in front of the camera. In addition, you certainly could not convince the enclosed photo of me, because I belong to the millions of “normal” that nobody wants to see on the screen.
I admit, my nose is too big and bent. My little eyes are far too deep in their sockets, my lips have feminine features, my cheekbones are too far ahead; I do not have any muscular upper arms and instead of a washboard I have a raccoon coat. Besides, I am only 166 centimeters tall.
But you are looking for someone who plays convincingly an organic farmer. Who could be better than me? I did not let my nose straighten, my eyes did not move further forward and my lips did not jerk off and the cheekbones could not be removed. I was not on the weight bench three times a day and had a lot of protein drinks. And I’d rather be a raccoon, carrying a six-pack that’s got 30 kilos of fat from Professor Dr. Mang has been vacuumed. I also refrained from extending my shins by ten centimeters.
To put it this way: I am untreated, unsprayed, not manipulated and not pressed or stretched. I am the way I am, I am authentic – I am BIO! Just like the farmer in your film whose crops, vegetables, fruits and cow food are untreated, unsprayed and so on. In the past few weeks, I have successfully made up for the lack of drama lessons by taking a distance course in front of the TV with the help of the Berlin and Munich “Schauspielhäuser”. What do you want more!
I request a benevolent answer and thank you in advance.
What do you think, dear reader? Did I receive this role? Did I even get an answer from the Munich agency? Actually, I got the answer after only seven days. It said:
“… we decided to destroy the previous script, write a completely new one and change the title of the movie to replace the word” cow “with” woman “. The cast of the role as “beautiful woman” fell to us unanimously on Diane Kruger, because that is also quite biological …
For tomorrow I have an appointment with the orthodontist dr. Bull, because since receiving this letter I have somehow problems with my jaw.