A week without my wife

ON MONDAY
Alone at home. My wife left for the week. Awesome ! I feel we will live unforgettable moments, the dog and me. I put together a schedule set like music paper.

I know exactly what time I will get up and how much time I spend in the bathroom or in the kitchen preparing lunch. I also counted the hours I needed to clear the dishes, cleaning, dog walks, shopping and cooking. And there, surprise: I will have plenty of free time! Why do women get a mountain of all these tasks when they can be shipped so quickly? Everything is a question of organization. For supper, the dog and I have a steak each. I arranged a pretty tablecloth, a candle and a bouquet of roses to make more intimate. The dog ate duck mousse as an appetizer and also as a main dish, but accompanied by a farandole of small vegetables. And, as dessert, biscuits. I gave myself wine and a cigar.

TUESDAY
I have to review my schedule: apparently, some adjustments are necessary. I explained to the dog that, of course, it is not every day party; he must not expect hors d’oeuvres and service in three different bowls, since the dishwasher is me! Taking my lunch, I noted the disadvantages of the orange juice pressed: it forces you to clean each time the juicer. Unless you have enough for two days, and in this case, you have half less dishes. My wife insisted that I vacuum every day. No way ! Once every two days will be ample. Just put slippers on and clean the dog’s paws … Other than that, I’m in great shape.

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WEDNESDAY
I feel that the household is taking longer than expected. It will be necessary to refine my strategy. First, buy ready-made meals. It will save me a few minutes in the kitchen. Dinner preparation should never be longer than consumption. On the other hand, the room remains a problem. We must get out of the blankets, ventilate and finally make the bed. Too complicated ! Moreover, I do not see the interest of making the bed every day to the extent that we go back to bed the same evening. For the dog, finish the elaborate culinary preparations. On the menu: canned pâté. He sulks, but never mind. If I can just cook, why not him?

THURSDAY
No more orange juice! How can such an innocuous looking fruit cause such a mess? From now on, I will buy bottled juice.

Discovery # 1: I managed to get out of bed by just undoing the blankets. Like that, there is more than to retype a little. Of course, this requires some training and it is best not to fidget during the night. I have a little back pain, but a good hot shower and it will not appear anymore. I stopped shaving every day. I gain precious minutes.

Discovery # 2: Changing your plate at each meal is a heresy. Repeated dishes are starting to annoy me. The dog, too, can eat in the same bowl. It’s just an animal after all!

Note: I came to the conclusion that vacuuming was only necessary once a week … maximum. Sausages at dinner and at dinner.

FRIDAY
Finished bottled fruit juice! Too heavy to wear. I observed a curious phenomenon: the sausages are excellent in the morning, a little less good at noon and downright infected at night. If a man eats more than two days in a row, they may even cause slight nausea. The dog had croquettes. It’s just as nutritious and the bowl stays clean. I discovered that we could drink the soup directly to the pan. She has exactly the same taste. No more bowl, no more fish! Now I feel less like being reincarnated in the dishwasher. I stopped brooming in the kitchen. It struck me as much on the nerves as doing the bed. Note: drop the canned goods. It dirty the can opener.

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SATURDAY
What’s the point of getting undressed in the evening to get dressed the next morning? I prefer to take this time to rest a little. No need to use the blankets either, so the bed stays flawless. The dog has left crumbs everywhere. He was scolded. I’m not his good! Strange:it’s exactly the reflection that my wife sometimes makes to me. Today, shave. But I really do not want to. I’m nervous. For lunch, avoid what should be unpacked, opened, sliced, spread, cooked or blended. All these chores exasperate me. For dinner, eat from the package. No plate, no cutlery, no tablecloth, and nothing of all these superfluous things. My gums are a bit sensitive. Maybe because I do not eat fruit: they are too heavy to carry. This is probably a start of scurvy. My wife called in the afternoon to find out if I had done the windows and the laundry. I left a hysterical laughter. As if I had time! Malaise in the bathtub: the siphon is clogged with spaghetti. It’s not that bad, because, anyway,

Note: The dog and I eat together, directly in the fridge. It must be done quickly not to leave the door open too long.

SUNDAY
The dog and I stayed in bed, watching TV. We both salivated when we saw people feasting. We are exhausted and growl as much as the other. This morning, I ate something in his bowl. None of us loved. I should really wash myself. To shave. To comb my hair To prepare his pâté. Take it out. Wash the dishes. Tidy. Think about the races. And everything else … But, I really do not have the strength. I feel that I have problems with balance and vision. The dog does not even move the tail anymore. Only the instinct of conservation allowed us to drag ourselves to the restaurant, where we spent more than an hour eating lots of good things in multiple plates … before going to the hotel. The room is clean, tidy and cozy.

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