The MS (Microsoft) death certificate

Hospital death certificate:
Name: Bill Gates
Time: Shortly after the release of WinDoc 10.0
(“Windows for Doctors”, V10.0)
Cause of death: General malfunction in HERZ_LUNG_MASCHINE.EXE
caused by TETRIS.EXE – All processes stopped.
Restart with Ctrl + Alt + Del

Backup not found: (A) bort, (R) etry, (P) anic?

Keyboard not found. Press to continue.

Two students in the UNIX data center.
The one clicks wildly on the left mouse nose, totally sweaty and cursing.
The Other:
“This is not Windows but UNIX UNIX can not be persuaded …”

A man applies to a larger company.
Like all other applicants, he must complete a test questionnaire.
When he gives it to the hiring manager, he says:
“Your test is being evaluated by a high-performance computer and the result is four to six weeks before …”

In a dispute between computer users it was tried to clarify whether the computer was “male”. or “female”.
The women voted for “male” because:

You just have to turn it on to get his attention.
He has a lot of knowledge, but is still haphazard.
He should help you to solve problems, but half the time he himself is the problem.
Once you get one, you get the idea that if you had waited a bit, you would have had a better one.
The men voted “female” for the following reasons:

Not even the Creator understands their inner logic.
The language with which they communicate with each other is understandable to no one else.
Even the smallest errors are stored in the long-term memory for later use.
Once you have one, almost all the money for accessories goes on it.
What do a revolver and Windows 98 have in common?
Uncharged they are both completely harmless …

How to neuter Windows users?
Cut the mouse cable through …

Says a Windows user to another:
“Say, do you play a lot?”
“Nope, I always win Windows …”

Microsoft spel chekar in front of sail, worgs grate!

Did you hear: A bug in Netscape Navigator allows anyone to read your hard drive over the Internet.
“I know, that’s why I stay with Netscape.”
“Well, if it were a Microsoft bug, then everyone should describe my hard drive also …”

So, a father gets informed by his son (14 years, pimply, glasses, from morning to evening on the computer) on operating systems:
Father: “Tell me, how is this with these operating systems?”
Son: “So imagine a huge airport – a Concorde takes off – and crashes next to the airport – that’s Windows 98.
Then an Airbus rolls in, it’s tinkered with and fixed on, then it takes off, turns, and has to This is OS / 2
and then takes off an ancient thing, with maybe two or three passengers, it’s extremely slow, but it arrives at the destination airport, that’s DOS. ”
Father: “And – what is UNIX then?”
Son: “I tell you – imagine a huge airport …”

Multitasking – Now it is possible to crash several programs at the same time
Microsoft Network – Talk to others about your Windows95 crash experience
Multimedia – Now there are system crashes with lots of graphics and sound
Compatible – It can also crash your old Windows 3.11 programs
The American Post has recognized the merits of Bill Gates, his counterpart adorns a stamp.
In daily operation, however, it became clear that this stamp did not rest on the letters.
The commission set up came after a few months to the following result:

The stamp is completely correct.
The glue is also not objectionable.
The customers are just spitting on the wrong side …
An OS / 2 developer attends a Windows95 seminar.
Then Bill Gates comes up to him and asks him what he would like best about Windows 95.
His answer: “That you have to work with it …”

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A dialogue on “Artificial Intelligence”:
Computer: “Beep Hotel International, hello, how can I serve you?”
Caller: “Yeah, uh, I wanted to know if you have a double ensuite.”
Computer: “Beep Yes, we have 120 double rooms with bath.”
Caller: “What, all free?”
Computer: “Beep. They did not ask for free rooms.”
Caller: “So how many are free?”
Computer: “Beep. Today we have nothing free.”
Computer: “Beep, alas, the day after tomorrow we have five free, you want one of these beautiful, cheap rooms, right? Please spell your name.”
Caller: “Em. Ü. El. El. E. Er.”
Computer: “Beep, thank you, Mr. Emü el Eller, I confirm your booking: a quiet double room with bathroom, the day after tomorrow for one night, at the price of 450 DM. When will you arrive, please?”
Caller: “I do not know … where is my flight ticket? …”
Computer: “Beep. The flight information, I connect, beep.”
Computer: “Honk! Flight information, hello.”
Caller: “… oh, here, flight LH 4523, when is it coming?”
Computer: “Honk! Flight El Al 4523 is not in the file.”
Caller: “
Computer: “Beep central computer Bundesgesundheitsamt.You have cold symptoms requiring treatment.To further diagnosis please say ‘aahh’.”
Caller: “Aaaa? Am I stupid? I wanted to book a room and not a doctor. Oh, I would just have a good old Apple!”
Computer: “Beep.”
Caller: “Hello, are you still there?”
Computer: “Zoing! Central warehouse Sorry for the delay I have an Apple, built in 1976 in the Used Comp Shop, Castrop-Rauxel, for a price of 1800 DM. Would you like to have it?”
Caller: “No, get lost and forget it!”
Computer: “Zoing! Your user code does not allow deletion of central warehouse data.”
Caller: “
Computer: “Zoing! String Recognition Error at Susra $ (‘damischer’ $ Aswi44S): Syntax Check at 200 Rec83749: Error Recovery in Progress.” Zoing. Please wait. ”
Caller: “Jesus, get away, I want to go back to the other computer.”
Computer: “Diinngg. Zentralrechner Bundesgesundheitsamt.To assess whether you are stupid, some questions about your state of health.
Caller: “You fucking $ & #. You can call me, you stupid # $ &% @.”
Computer: “Beep, Attention, this is the police computer.” You are charged with a criminal offense under Section 1523 of the Code of Criminal Procedure, insulting central intelligence systems, your personal smart card is being withdrawn, and I point out your right to refuse to testify.
Caller: Röchel …

With computers you have time to do things that you would not have to do without them …

The bigger a hard drive is, the faster it

gets full … Never believe a time your program itself stopped Has!

Assembler is a way to rewrite programs that run too slowly so that they do not even run at all …

Our programmer loved computers – until they caught him …

[Weinberg’s Second Law:]
When builders built buildings, so As programmers do programs, the first woodpecker passing by would destroy civilization …

What does a computer think?
“God is great, man is small, I must be in between …”

At the Microsoft Hotline:
Caller: “Since I’ve installed the Windows98 beta, Office ’97 is constantly crashing.”
Hotline: “We had the same problem here.”
Caller: “And what did you do?”
Hotline: “We have the beta installed a second time.”
Caller: “Well, then I try that too.”
An hour later …
Caller: “Now nothing works for me anymore!”
Hotline: “Not with us …”

What’s the difference between Bill Gates and God?
God knows he is not Bill Gates …

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A foundling is found at Microsoft. Soon it is rumored that the father is Bill Gates. To destroy this rumor,
3 reasons why Bill is not the father:

At Microsoft, nothing has ever been done with lust and love …
At Microsoft, nothing was finished that had hands and feet …
And Microsoft has never finished anything within 9 months …
What is the abbreviation DLL actually called?
The laß lie …

Question: I’m just installing Windows98, what should I press?
Answer: Best two thumbs …

Question: What does “booting” mean?
Answer: Let me explain: There are programs that take your shoes off. Then you have to reboot …

You do not need to turn on a computer to see if Windows is installed. Just check
if the label on the reset button is still legible …

It takes the computing power of a Pentium, 16 MB of RAM and 1 GB of hard disk space to run Win95.
It took the computing power of three C64 to fly to the moon.
Something is wrong with our world …

Win95 feature: “Mouse Driver not found – please click OK!”

Oh yes. And then there was the telephone installation instructions, because with a PC customer reading the software did not work:
Tel: “Please insert the first disk and send the command ‘[..]’ off.”
PC user: “I have. Now it says ‘2. Insert floppy disk into A'”
Tel: “Then do that and press RETURN.”
PC user: “Now there is such a strange error message!”
Tel: “That can not be, please take out the floppy disk again.”
PC user: “Which of the two?”

Customer Service: “Hello, ZComm customer service, Meier?”
Customer: “

Customer: “I have a problem.”
Customer Service: “Did you already say …”

How many IBM CPUs do you need for a logical right shift?
33: One holds the bits and 32 pushes the register …

Computerkunde: “I’m still looking for an exciting graphic adventure that really challenges me.”
Seller: “Have you ever tried WINDOWS 95? …”

Computerkunde: “I want to buy the new OS / 2 v2.0.”
Seller: “Oh, did you finish the old version?”

“Well, did you have any trouble with your new voice computer on your tour of Greece?”
“Not me, but the Greeks …”

songs for the SUN
😕 “The SUN ain ‘
? “We had joy we had fun, we had Pacman for the sun”
? “Waiting for the SUN”

Apple boss Mike Spindler calls his predecessor John Sculley.
“John, we have to sit down together, what about tomorrow at 3 pm?”
“One moment, I have to look in my Newton message pad first.”
(One minute break.)
“No, Mike, I do not have time at three, so I have an appointment with Kfd @ hk Mbrinsdt at the Wqbrw \ c bar.”

“The new Windows 95 can do it all, thanks to 32 bits, if I drank 32 bits, I always think I can do it all.”

Bill Gates complains to the psychiatrist:
“Slowly, Doc, I get paranoia, I think all people hate me.”

“It can not be Bill. It can not be known to everyone …”

Bill Gates taps into his computer: “Is there a god?”
Answer: “Too little computing capacity.”
He lets all the computers at Klein & Soft connect, including the entire MSN, and types in his question again.
Answer: “Too little computing capacity.”
He calls all acquaintances at Cray, Sun, etc. These computers are also connected to a gigantic network. He types in his question again.
Answer “Now yes! …”

On the way to work a programmer jumps towards a frog.
“I am an enchanted princess, kiss me.”
The frog is put in the jacket pocket.
“Please, please, kiss me, I’m an enchanted princess.”
No reaction. When he shows off the frog in the evening in the pub, the programmer is asked why he does not hear the begging frog?
Answer: “I have no time for a friend, but I find a talking frog cool …”

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Two computer scientists meet in the park, one has a new bike.
Does the other one
say, “Whoa, what a bike, what did you do?”
“Was free.”
“Tell me!”
“Well, yesterday I walked around the park, a woman came by on a bike, stopped, undressed, and said I could have everything she wanted.”
“Hey, really good choice,

Scott McNeely (Sun boss):
I would rather give my kids drugs than DOS …

… the fastest mouse driver in the world!

Error Upgrade Pack II:
Virus check completed – 127 new Viruses installed …

When booting Windows:
drive C: unreadable, insert a new floppy in drive C: …
(really happened)

When Wordpad comes up the error message is
“Not enough memory installed. Try using 128 MB.”
Where would you spend your money today?

And how do 100 Windows users change a broken light bulb?
One unscrews and 99 clicks away the error messages …

dad microsoft you are on the hard drive
Hallowed be your Windows
your update come
your bug fix done
as in Windows so synonymous in Office
Our daily MSN give us today
and forgive us our pirated copy
as we forgive our Telekom
And do not lead us to IBM
but release us from OS2
Because yours is the DOS and the Windows and NT
for Eternity

UNIX is a user-friendly operating system. However, it is very picky in the choice of his friends.

UNIX is the operating system of the future. And that for 30 years.

Scientists wanted to know if computer radiation is harmful.
They locked three rats in a cage with a computer turned on, fed them food and water, and left it for a week.

  • And, did the rats get sick?
  • No, but they have programmed three new UNIX versions!

Who the fuck is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk?

American scientists have developed a supercomputer that supposedly knows everything!
A prospective buyer wants to test it of course before buying and asks a test question:
“Where is my brother currently?”, He wants to know from the computer.
The scientists enter the question and the computer calculates then he prints:
“Her brother is in LH474 in Beijing, where he wants to sign a $ 2 million contract with Osuhushi for delivery of …” [further discrete information followed].
The buyer was thrilled but still wanted to have a test and wants to know:
“Where is my dad currently?”
Again, the computer calculates and prints out:
“Your father is sitting on the Mississippi and fishing!”
“Haa!” shouts the buyer: “Did I know that he does not know everything! My father has been dead for 5 years!”
The scientists are dismayed, superior and then return the question to the control.
The computer calculates longer and prints:

Each program can be shortened by at least one instruction.
Every program has at least one error.
By induction, we can conclude:
Every program is reducible to a statement that does not work …