A situation that can hardly be uglier.
You sit comfortably at the tastefully arranged dinner, think about the origins of Brussels sprouts, look forward to a relaxing evening in the circle of your potato chips and think otherwise nothing dramatic, as they suddenly perceive an indistinct rattling.
A quick appeal to the logical part of your brain structure reveals to you at the same time, that this sound clearly differs from the sounds that your father-in-law usually makes when he or she garnishes his or her person with the help of the served sauce.
You decide to turn your head 180 degrees and find that said family member either seems to enjoy feasting on his plate, or simply has just left you.
At a close examination, which consists of a modification of the Pfanni dumpling test and which inevitably drives your fork into Grandpa’s thigh, you realize that it seems purely optically logical to choose the second of your two established theories and are now facing one really big problem.
Not only do you have to forgo your dessert, which was declared by your wife as custard with chocolate sauce and reminds you more of the toilet experience of her last gentleman’s night, but also initiate the elimination of your family member.
Cost over cost will flow towards you, and you will begin to hate the man in whose leg your fork is still stuck.
Strangers with black suits and pale faces will pull the last penny out of their pockets, just because they seem to be generally convinced that they have to turn a ridiculous event into something akin to a state act.
The Happy Handyman will help you in the following chapters to minimize the cost of housing your family member, and you’ll find that crafting and organizing can be fun for the whole family.
So let’s start by planting your grandfather under the ground systematically and without hassle.
Always remember that coping with one task greatly increases the sense of family life of your surviving relatives.
Chapter 1.
Immediate Measures at the
Site First, get hold of a tear-resistant garbage bag, in which you can pack your grandfather in an appropriate and airtight manner.
Keep in mind that every minute that the drooling part of Grandpa’s head rests on your plate, which is, after all, an important part of a rather expensive service, can make your wife realize that it would be unappealing to continue to eat it , and you have to grow now a new dining service.
Then go to the telephone and make an appointment with your family doctor.
Keep in mind that an evening, unscheduled use of your family doctor causes unnecessary additional costs.
Order the said doctor for one of the following mornings and store your grandfather on your balcony.
If you do not have a balcony, you will have no choice but to stow away as a grandpa in the basement.
It does not seem reassuring for the rest of your family to be staring at a blue garbage bag on the carpet at the TV evening.
Note also that Grandpa should not take up too much space in your basement, as you will need them in another section of this manual.
If necessary, it is enough to hang grandpa on the basement wall with the help of some suitable nails.
If you do not think of yourself as a perfect hammer holder, try lending a tacker from one of your neighbors.
Please note that neither Tesafilm nor superglue is suitable for the professional installation of your grandfather on the basement wall.
Once Grandpa is properly stowed, you have already completed the most difficult part of your mission.
Now you should rest and spend the evening with your family.
Play a nice board game or invite your family to a movie.
Bear in mind that they will still need your family members in the following days and realize that the cost factor we want to keep as low as possible decreases or increases in proportion to your loved one’s commitment.
Chapter 2.
Preparing for a Professional Accommodation
Remember that by law you are required to do some things that you should keep in mind when doing the work that follows.
After your family doctor has confirmed to you that what dangles properly on your basement wall,
Her grandfather was, the
now officially that too
Bad luck to be dead, we now give you a small, but quite sufficient overview of the possible types of accommodation.
the silent combustion of atmospheric nature
the rustic Verbuddeln
the cheerful drowning in a seaworthy environment
the popular stuffing in common home work
Point a)
should be deleted from your considerations.
Remember that your neighbors complained about constant smoke nuisance after your last barbecue.
In addition, excessive smoke could cause considerable parts of your home to be in a need of renovation.
Item c)
is also largely unsuitable for your concerns, as it does not make any sense to your relatives to celebrate the funeral of your grandfather in your bathroom.
Point d)
should be deleted from your consideration if you call children your own.
Bear in mind that children have the peculiarity of playing with the most impossible things.
She expects some trouble if her brats in the neighboring kindergarten show up with an ear of your grandfather, which they try to swap for a tennis ball.
Decide on point b).
We assume that in earlier days you could already gain experience in dealing with plywood, which is now extremely useful in a rustic mess.
But before you get ideas and suggestions for your carpentry in some shops, also called funeral homes, you should make a detour to the bank of your faded grandpa and clear his account before others do.
If you are in a funeral home and are looking at some easy-to-reproduce models, forget the interior design of the objects.
Once grass has grown over your grandfather no one is interested in the fact that Grandpa is now bedded on velvet and silk. An old blanket and a pillow do it too.
Even the clothes of your grandfather does not matter. Force him into your old jogging suit.
Grandpa should be remembered as well as he was known from his best days.
Sporty and quite fitter than now hanging in your basement.
Obtain yourself in a wholesale the carefully calculated amount of plywood, some nails and screws.
Then buy a few felt-tip pens and some paper.
While you work in the basement on grandpa’s future housing, your children can perpetuate some nice sayings on paper, which you then attach to the houseplant that has always stood in your way anyway and which you can finally use as a shapely ornate work of your craft.
Since a demise now has a certain exclusivity and does not occur too often in a person’s life, we advise you to incorporate some small effects into this solemn moment in your grandfather’s life.
A portable turntable provides a pleasant atmosphere.
Note that it may make sense to play some slow-moving records first, before blessing your and Grandpa’s guests with your new party music collection.
Your wife can write a kind of acceptance speech during your time-consuming preparation, which you should read at the beginning of your celebration.
Be careful not to over-lavish your speech, as experience has shown that boredom among your party guests spreads when they quote for hours from all the possible and impossible works of German post-war literature.
Chapter 3.
Execution
We assume that you have followed all previous instructions and suggestions carefully and are now dealing with the last chapter of your enterprise.
The necessary standard items are at your disposal and grandfather rests content and happy in his new home, which is now ornately decorated in your kitchen.
Now try to get a ride, bearing in mind that it should either have an appropriate hold or a sturdy roof rack.
Your circle of acquaintances will surely find people who will gladly provide you with such a vehicle for a short period of time.
When the said car is ready, it is time to select a suitable location and determine the time of the celebration.
Pick a place whose bottom is not too hard. It can be annoying to bury Grandpa under a sidewalk, because Asphalt has the habit of being quite stable.
Find yourself a quiet spot in a neighboring park.
If you live in a large city where such a facility is not available to you, you still have the opportunity to use football pitches or sandboxes on children’s playgrounds.
Once you have chosen a suitable location, all you have to do is consider the timing and you have saved a lot of money.