Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a con**, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady: Whats that?Second Lady: A con**. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. […]
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,” I’m so sorry, your pet has passed […]
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best s** in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up […]
A tortoise crawls on the road.Suddenly, it sees d’Artagnan and the Three Musketeers up ahead, riding their horses. Greetings, d’Artagnan – he says as they approach. Greetings, Tortoise. Greetings, d’Artagnan’s horse. Greeting, Tortoise. Greetings, Athos. Greetings, Tortoise. Greetings, Athos’ horse. Greeting, Tortoise. Greetings, Porthos. Greetings, Tortoise. Greetings, Porthos’ horse. Greeting, […]
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it […]
A corporate lawyer just bought a brand new Porsche, and he’s pulling up in front of the office to show it off to his envious colleagues. However, in the rush to be first he’s not only double parked, he opened the door without looking just as a truck is driving […]
Three guys are drinking beers and after a few it starts getting rowdy. The first drunk looked at the other two and said “I screwed your mom”, the second guy jumps up to take a swing , but the other guys pulls him back and says “It’s not worth it”. […]
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. “Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don’t let my husband find out.” Suddenly she […]
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: “What are you up to there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died”, replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” […]
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch!” Johnny shouted his mother “Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use […]
A guy walks into a swanky New York bar A sign just inside the entry reads “All drinks 15 cents” He asked the bartender if it was 15 dollars a drink, and the bartender responded “No mistake; I only charge 15 cents per drink” “Fantastic. But how can you afford […]
A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available. The madam says “We don’t have women and we don’t have men, but we have a badger.” “Huh?” […]
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”. “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange […]
