The toilet – the unknown being

Good evening, my dear viewers. I would like to welcome you to the program ‘You and your Lokus’ from our series ‘The Loo, the Unknown Being’.
Today we are talking about the proper use of the locally affectionately called ‘shitty house’.
Before we visit it, we need to be aware of the size and urgency of our business.

Is it just intermittent outgoing bowel wind? (According to the old phrase ‘WHO’S ONE WHEAT IS DARMWIND HARVESTED!’), or is it an acute attack of excessive intestinal activity?
Do we have to do something ‘big’ at all, or is a small interlude of the brand ‘WO DER WILDBACH RAUSCHT’ enough for us?

After thoroughly researching this question, and as a result, it’s not too late (yuck), we set out to open the door to our loo and open it.

Do not forget to switch on the light, there have already been cases in which an overly casual toilet user mistook the toilet and washbasin in the heat of the moment, which on the one hand causes trouble for the housewife and on the other hand is anything but comfortable, because who wants to to have a long time hot water tap in the bowel outlet? So.
After the proper opening of our pants, we turn slowly, in a slightly bent posture, around its own axis (no, not THAT axis, you swine!), Until our jaws parallel to the after-recording device (also called ‘toilet seat’ although the visual acuity is NOT improved).
In this position, a slow, but nevertheless uniform buckling of both knee joints occurs, until the anus sits comfortably and accurately.
Sensitive natures I recommend to press in the two free hands and in the mouth ever a piece of wood to make the pain tolerable in contact with the undercooled toilet seat.
After sitting comfortably, we support the elbows at an angle of approx.

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In this position, we remain a few seconds and close our eyes, and breathe slowly and evenly until our whole body is completely relaxed.

Now we can move on to turn our innermost outward.
With the abdomen and with the help of stronger breaths, we put the intestine in a swinging motion, which in the end adds up to a single pumping movement.
With the help of this technique we succeed in effortlessly to remove some longer pieces of metabolic slag within a few seconds.

Do not be alarmed if your actions are accompanied by trumpet-like sounds, this is just the initially mentioned intestinal wind, which contributes significantly to the subsequent well-being.
After we have thrown the larger pieces overboard, we fall into a wheezing and bump breathing, which pumps out even the last, tough rest of us.

Now we open the thigh a little, and look through the resulting ‘window’ our act.
If you think you can not do better then grab the toilet paper and pick up some layers of it.
Now you have the choice! They can guide their hand (but the one with the paper!) Through the opening of the thighs and penetrate to the intestinal outlet, where, by moving the hand one or more times back and forth, they release it from the remnants of their business discussion.
On the other hand, they can guide the hand from the back to the above-mentioned place and practice the same movement.
In both cases, remember to drop the paper after use (in the bowl).

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If these two options seem too banal to you, then I refer you to the book ‘1000 and a swipe – from positional position to wiping strategy’ by Wernher von Braun.
However, after the cleansing, the dressing is done in the reverse order of the undressing.
Then we take a last look at our product, and press, though with a crying eye, the flushing.
One should keep a certain safety distance, since in stubborn cases there is the danger of being spattered by splashing water.

After this sad procedure, we go to the sink (if available), and clean our fingers.
If there is no sink available, it is strongly advised not to use the CLEANER! Because an overly greedy tongue could come too fast on the taste (choke).

Then we leave the crime scene, turn off the light and go back to the anonymity of society, which has (hopefully) taken no notice of all this.