I woke up.
I turned aside, opened my eyes and there he was. The day had barely begun and in the dull morning light I could hardly see anything, but there he lay. Only a slight silhouette of his body shone through the darkness. First the alarm had already rung and the bright hum of the telephone rang through the silence of the room. His body was half covered with his blanket. Only his bare shoulders and head were visible. I slide slowly closer, not waking him awake and not interrupt the silence. Carefully, very slowly, I pulled my hand out from under my blanket and felt a cold breeze on my skin. My fingers extended in his direction, uncertain what to do. Should I say something and show him that I am awake or just keep calm and do not move? Undecided what I should do, my hand kept moving towards his silhouette. Trembling, my fingertips felt his blanket. Moved up to his neck and touched his skin. Warmth flowed through my palm. Dropped my neck down, spread on my back and filled my body with security. My hand was now completely on his neck and wandered down again to his smooth hard back. He flinched and tightened his blanket around him. I suddenly withdrew my hand. Uncertain what that meant, I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling. The alarm rang twice, but nothing. He did not move. Did not turn in my direction and gave no sign that he knew I was still there. On the fourth ring, he smoothed the blanket off his body and got up. Not sure what was going on and overwhelmed by the situation I remained silent and just watched him. He moved around the room like a shadow. He grabbed some clothes and opened the door. Without a word he left the room. I heard him as he first handled the bathroom and then took care of his breakfast in the kitchen. Should I get up? Go to him and tell him how much I enjoyed the time with him? Or should I just lie here, intimidated by him, his perfect looks, his big smile, the smoky voice and the big eyes with which he watched me attentively yesterday while I once again told something unnecessary? I chose the latter. So I lay there, curled up in his blanket, alone in the dark room. He came in shortly. Apparently he had forgotten something in the room. I decided not to stay lying idly, like a paralyzed animal that did not dare to move and turned to face him. Immediately he took my look and smiled at me. There it was, his smile. Even in the dark light of the bedroom his eyes sparkled and his teeth flashed through the darkness. “Tomorrow”, I could not get out, I just stared at him. He returned my words, took his jacket and turned back just as quickly and closed the door again behind him. Minutes passed. Anxiously, I listened to his footsteps and wondered if that was all. The door opened again and the bright hall light illumined the room in which I lay. Slowly he came up to me. He would have to go now, he told me. Inwardly, his words drew me deeper and deeper. A blank filled my chest, suddenly the blanket lay like a heavy weight on me and threatened to crush me. He leaned forward, his tender lips laid on mine and he kissed me. Before I could close my eyes, before I could stretch out the moment, it was already over. He turned and closed the door one last time behind him. The darkness stretched in the room. Spread like a tidal wave around me and pulled me deeper and deeper. Instead of the warmth that was just there, I felt a sense of emptiness
and so I pulled his blanket closer around me. Tried to take in the smell, but it was nothing. No smell of security. No smell of familiarity. No smell of him. A faint sound came from the corridor. The front door closed and I knew he had finally left.
I woke up.