curriculum vitae

My CV
Nobody was home when I was born. Actually, I did not want to come. My mother was out in the field, picking up potatoes. We had no field ourselves, but we always got our potatoes there. She was astonished when I suddenly sat on the sofa. Because of lack of human-like appearance, I was fed bananas. But soon they noticed the mistake and paid the dog tax. I had 19 other siblings: 10 boys, 8 girls and a dud. My father was a teacher. He emptied trash cans. He is currently in jail for his beliefs. He believes that he does not have to pay his rent. My mother was a born SBB. At first I did not want to believe that, but then I read it on all the towels. We were a very musical family. My mother sewed on a Singer sewing machine. My father was a singer. He sang deeper and deeper. He’s been buzzing for a few years now. Most musical was my sister, she was already flute at birth. We were also an intelligent family. One of my brothers is at the University of Heidelberg. He stands there in spirit because he has two heads. Another brother is a transformation artist. He walks into the cafe with an old coat and comes out with a new one. Another brother is a plumber, what is pinched during the day is soldered in the evening. Fritz is Zureiter a rocking horse factory. I also have an older sister. First she worked as a mannequin in Feldschlösschen and then she worked in a pharmacy as an emetic. We boys were all called Hugo, except Fritz, whose name was Heiri. My sisters were all very thin. The one had to come into the room twice, until you even saw her. One has now got twins, they look very similar, especially the one. Then I got older and people said that I looked very much like my father. The father then paid no more dog tax. At the age of 6, a big event happened: I came to school. I was even the teacher’s favorite. I was even allowed to visit different classes twice. Once I was asked, “If you have debts to the butcher Fri £ 12 and debts to the baker for £ 12, how much do you have?” I said, “I do not know, then we always move.” I was allowed to go with that the teacher in front of the door. I was the last in all subjects, except in the bagpipe, cockchafer shaking and Türelsetzen. After attending school for 7 years, I left her. When leaving, the teacher said something else. I did not understand what he meant, he said something about hops and malt. After that I went to Haldengut. I was outgrown and needed bigger ones. When I started my first lesson, I was immediately arrested for lack of a human-like appearance. At first I wanted to become a photographer, but I was not well developed for that. Then I apprenticed to a butcher. When I saw what was coming into the cervelats, I said to Master, “If what comes in there, get in there where you can not get out.” Then I came to a blacksmith. We forged a horseshoe. He handed the hammer to me and said, “If I nod my head, hit it …” and he never nodded again. Then I tried it as a curb smuggler, foreign exchange pusher, marriage swindler and counterfeiter. I also had a girlfriend. I went with him for three years. She was not pretty. She always had to wear a brooch to know what was back and forth.
It was very funny at my funeral. The church choir had been confused with a jazz band. There was no eye dry. There were five of us in a coffin. Everyone fought doggedly for a window seat. The coffin had to be pulled up five times, so people clapped. The sixth time I got out. The people were raging. Only at the cadaver they noticed that my lungs were rotten. Otherwise, I was reasonably healthy.
the end