A week without my wife

MONDAY 

I was alone at home. My wife is absent all week. It is a change that comes from pearls. I feel that the Dog and I are going to have a great time. I have prepared a rigorous program of activities, and I know exactly what time I will get up, how long it will take to shower and get ready, and how much to prepare breakfast. I have also calculated the total number of hours it will take me to wash the dishes, do the cleaning, take the dog for a walk, go shopping and cook. It was a pleasant surprise to realize that I have a lot of time left to do what I want. I do not know why women make domestic work seem so complicated, when in reality there is a minimum of time to dedicate. EVERYTHING IS A QUESTION OF KNOWING ORGANIZE.

At dinner time I have served a steak and I have given the dog another. I put on the table a nice tablecloth, a candle and a vase with roses to create a pleasant atmosphere. 

The dog has eaten pate de entremes and also a main dish, the latter accompanied by an exquisite serving of vegetables. For dessert I served him some chocolate cookies. I drink some wine and I smoke a cigar. I had not felt so comfortable in a long time. 

TUESDAY

I have to revise my program: I think it needs some minor adjustments. I have explained to the dog that, of course, not every day is a holiday, so you should not wait for daily hors d’oeuvres, or serve each meal in three bowls, as it would have more dishes to wash. At breakfast I realized that the orange juice made at home has one drawback: you have to wash the juicer every time it is used. 

One solution is to prepare juice for two days; thus the frequency is reduced by half. I have also found out that the sausages can be heated together with the soup, which represents a less pot to wash.

Definitely, I do not plan to vacuum every day, as my wife wanted; Passing it every three days is more than enough. The key is to use shoes to be at home and clean the legs of the dog. For the rest, I feel great. 

WEDNESDAY 

I begin to believe that domestic chores take longer than I had imagined. I will have to reconsider my strategy. First step: I went out for some food to go; so I will not waste so much time cooking. It should not take longer to prepare food than to eat it. 

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Making the bed is another problem: first you have to get up, then ventilate the room and then spread sheets and blankets. How cumbersome!

I think it is not necessary to make the bed every day and less if I go to bed every night. It is a meaningless task. I do not prepare anything special or complicated for the dog anymore. I bought him canned pet food. He looked disgusted but nothing will be worth it. If I have to settle for prepared food, he can do it too. I have tied a rag to the dog’s tail, so he cleans the whole house while he walks. Note: you should not prepare orange juice for two days, a little more and do not tell. 

THURSDAY

I thought that the orange juice could be stored in the fridge, or better in the freezer, but then I would have to remember that I have it there, and I already have too many things in my head. And also, how can so dirty a fruit that seems so innocent ?. It is inconceivable! No more home-made juices. From now on I will buy bottled juice, ready to drink. Discovery: I have managed to get out of bed without disturbing the sheets almost; afterwards I only had to smooth the quilt a little with my hands. Of course, doing this requires practice and one can not move much while sleeping. My back is sore, but a hot shower will leave me as good as new, when I turn on the heater. I’ve stopped shaving every day, because I think it’s a waste of time; also,

Discovery: it is absurd to use a clean plate at every meal. Washing the dishes so often starts to make me nervous. 

Note: I have come to the conclusion that you do not need to vacuum more than once a week. Sausages in the food and at dinner. 

FRIDAY 

I do not want to know anything about fruit juices! The bottles weigh a lot.

Another finding: the sausages taste good in the morning, they detract from the food, and they are unbearable at dinner. Eating more than two days in a row can cause nausea. I’ve bought dry dog ​​food. It is as nutritious as canning and does not soil the bowl, I will not wash it anymore. I have realized that you can eat the soup directly from the pot. It tastes the same and you do not need to use soup or ladle. At last I will stop feeling like a dishwasher! I have decided not to scrub the kitchen floor anymore. This task, like making the bed, made me nervous. The whole house is full of pieces of suede. The dog is left without dinner. Note: I would have to do without the cans; the can opener gets dirty.

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Note 2: I have found a way to clean the kitchen and dishes at the same time. I put all the dirty dishes on the kitchen floor and I used the hose on the terrace with water under pressure. It’s fantastic because you do not have to use soap. In the meantime I cleaned the floor and the doors of the cupboards. 

What object has to undress at night, if the next morning you have to get dressed again ?. I prefer to spend that time sleeping a little longer. I have also stopped using sheets and blankets, which saves me the work of making the bed. The dog dropped crumbs and I rebuked him.

Has it been believed that I am your servant? Funny, suddenly I realize that my wife sometimes talks to me like this … Today I have to shave, but I do not have the least desire to do it. I’m a nervous wreck. The breakfast will consist of something that does not have to unwrap, open, slice, anoint, cook or mix. All these things drive me crazy.

Plan: take the food directly from the bag, on top of the stove, without dishes, or cutlery, tablecloths or other pots. My gums hurt a little. Maybe it’s because of the lack of fruit, which I have not bought again because it weighs too much. Is it the first sign of scurvy? My wife called me on the phone in the afternoon and asked me if I had cleaned the windows and the clothes. I let out a hysterical laugh and told him I did not have time for those things. There is a fault in the bathroom: the drain is clogged with spaghetti, but I do not care much because I have stopped showering. 

NOTE: The dog and I eat together, directly from the refrigerator. We have to do it in a hurry, so that the door is not open for a long time.

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Note 2: the invention of the hose has been a failure. The kitchen smells of mildew and I suppose the cabinets will begin to rot in a short time. The floor is full of the remains of food on the plates, if I do not clean them they will start to stick to the ground and it will be worse. 

SUNDAY 

The dog and I have made peace. We stay in bed watching TV, where people appear eating all kinds of delicious delicacies. To the both of us, our mouths became water. We’re weak and in a bad mood. This morning I ate some of the dog bowl. Neither of us liked it. Today if I have to shower, shave, comb my hair, prepare something to eat the dog, take him out for a walk, wash dishes, fix the house, go shopping and do several other things, but I’m a wreck.

I feel like I’m falling and my vision is getting foggy. The dog has stopped wagging his tail. In a supreme conservation effort, we have almost crawled in search of a restaurant, our instinct for survival has been more than our exhaustion. 

We found a restaurant and we were there for more than an hour, eating exquisite food in different dishes. Then we stayed in a hotel. The room is clean, neat and very cozy. I have found the perfect solution to keep the house impeccable. I wonder if my wife has ever thought to do the same. 

NEXT SUNDAY

It has been a week since my ex-wife arrived home. I’m still at the hotel but on Tuesday I ran out of savings. I’m a dishwasher in the hotel kitchen, they make food for 200 people. I abandoned the dog because I could not feed him. Only now do I realize that I would never have had to let my wife go so long. My life has stopped making sense.