A hymn of praise to my good genes

When I looked down, the panic seized me. No, this could not be! No, that was not allowed! But I saw it with my own eyes: it was not just eight, nine or ten. No, that was more. That was much more. They were … nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four. Yes, twenty-four. Twenty-four pieces. No, this could not be.

I counted again … twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four. Twenty-four again. Once more … twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four. No, there was nothing to shake. It was twenty-four. And there were twenty-four. Point. Out. Twenty-four pieces!

I could not believe it. Twenty four! Yes, twenty-four! There were twenty-four hairs in the sink. Twenty-four hairs of mine. Unmistakable. Exactly my length. Exactly my color. From whom else? There was nobody here except me.

Twenty four. No doubt was possible. So I counted again. Twenty-four again. I could count as often as I wanted; every time the same devastating result: twenty-four! One time combing and twenty four hairs irretrievably lost.

I was destroyed. I was at the end. I was done.

Only the look in the mirror gave me back my life courage. No, there was nothing to see. Nothing. Nothing at all. Not a trace. Not a single hair was missing. Still the same thick hair as before combing. My hair, my pride – it was thick and full as ever. There was nothing missing. Absolutely nothing.

And if so. What are twenty-four hairs? The average person has more than a hundred thousand hairs on his head. – If! Yes, if he does not belong to the bald heads. To these pitiful creatures to whom fate has imposed the worst punishment that can be bestowed on a human being.

But thank god I was spared that. I could not go bald. Baldies are hereditary – that’s scientifically proven. And there has never been a bald guy in our family. Not even one. So nothing could happen to me. I was genetically immune.

Now it paid off that in our family for generations the strict reason prevails. In our wide-ranging clan is not just married out of sheer exuberance and blind infatuation out. No, in our family, for generations, strict attention has been paid to the need for a marriage to have a solid foundation.

It is one of the irrefutable principles that a person who has a bald head in their family environment is out of the question as a partner. That was and that is completely unthinkable. And that’s good. Only in this way could it be ensured for generations that our family was spared by this hostage of humanity.

Since time immemorial, everyone in our family has had thick, full hair. The women and the men. Until old age. There is no exception today. Not a single. And everyone in our family is proudly bearing this seal of genetic purity.

So I was immune. There was no doubt about that. Nothing could happen to me. This was already done by the genes. Oh mom, oh dad, thank you for my good genes.

I grabbed myself again. Twenty-four hairs. My God, what was that. Everyone has a bad day. But that he was so bad, that had never happened. I forced myself to think of only one thing: my good genes. Only the firm certainty that my good genes gave me gave me the strength to scrape the hair in the sink and throw it in the trash can.

The terrible haunting was over. I looked in the mirror, admired my full head of hair and thanked my genes.

The following days, I avoided sticking my head over the sink while combing it. For what too. It could not turn out so and so no hair. And if, then at most seven or eight. And they were eventually replaced by others immediately. They were literally in the starting blocks, just waiting for them to finally get the chance to stand in my full head of hair.

I did not last that long. It did not make sense to bury your head in the sand. I went on the offensive. The matter had to be thoroughly investigated. With scientific methods. With the help of statistics. Why did you study that for so long? At last I had a case where statistics are good for. The fools at the university have always tormented us only with abstakten tasks. Here I had a case from the practice. In the middle of life. Meticulously I collected every hair that had left the community of the hundred thousand forever. Conscientiously, I kept a list of daily losses. For graphic illustration, I made a neatly a scatter plot. Time on the X-axis, one day next to the others; left to right. On the Y-axis, the number of lost hair. The greater the loss, the higher the data point. I said to myself “Bodo, you have to be careful, it’s like the unemployment statistics: If the curve goes up, that’s bad.” The graph confirmed my worst fears. Yes, there were some fluctuations, but all in all there was no denying a trend. He pointed from the bottom left to the top right. To compensate for the daily fluctuations, I calculated weekly averages. The statistical smoothing made the picture even more depressing. The trend was clearly up. The database was still too thin to calculate the regression equation. But that was only a matter of time. To compensate for the daily fluctuations, I calculated weekly averages. The statistical smoothing made the picture even more depressing. The trend was clearly up. The database was still too thin to calculate the regression equation. But that was only a matter of time. To compensate for the daily fluctuations, I calculated weekly averages. The statistical smoothing made the picture even more depressing. The trend was clearly up. The database was still too thin to calculate the regression equation. But that was only a matter of time.

I did not want to wait. I could not wait. Something had to happen at last.

The solution was obvious. The genes were not. I could be sure of that. Consequently, it could only be due to the diet. Without hesitation, I completely changed my diet plan. Vitamins, minerals, additives, supplements and otherwise only eco. In short, everything you need for a healthy diet. I only got food from the organic farmer. I gladly accepted the 35 kilometer drive to the flat country. And my magnificent hair was always worth the horrendous prices. There was the healthy country air completely free.

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But soon disillusionment spread. Eco-friendly eco. The scrupulously continued statistics kept the trend undeterred. In addition, now in the mirror very first signs of a receding hairline were recognizable. My life was destroyed. I needed help urgently.

Without informing my family, I secretly drove to my hometown. There I turned to our old family doctor. Who else? After all, he knew our family better than anyone else. He knew. He did not even have to do a detailed examination. “Do not worry, Bodo, there are a few hairs missing, but you know, I’ve known your family for decades, there’s never been a case of alopecia in your exemplary family, you know, Bodo, how alert your There is no family in this matter, exemplary, like no other, you do not need to be afraid, it’s not organic, it definitely has mental causes, have you had a lot of stress lately? ”

Yes, that’s it! Too bad that I did not manage it myself. Of course, I’ve had a lot of stress lately. Much more than ever before. Calmly, I left the noble private practice and decided to go on vacation immediately.

I left everything standing, gathered the most necessary things, and the next day I was at the Baltic Sea. Everything was empty at this time of the year. Since you could do nothing but relax. Before the hour-long beach hikes began, I met diligently all necessary measures to protect my most precious good. First, a thin cloth of the finest silk was wrapped tightly around the head. Over it a cap. No wool – for God’s sake. Finest smooth cloth in which no hair could get caught. Over it then the weatherproof hood. Everything lashed. The squalls should not get a chance to sweep even a single hair.

But during my lonely walks on the beach I had only one thing in mind: The monotonously rising curve in the scatter plot. To make matters worse, clear signs of withdrawal were no longer to be denied even in the mirror. My depression grew immeasurably. Oh, I would have driven to the North Sea. There, the tide could grab me and tear me into the open sea. I packed the suitcases.

Immediately after my return, I went to see a doctor. Here, in this city, far away from the family. This time, I made nails with heads and went to a specialist, a dermatologist. After a thorough examination with trichogram and all Pipapo he asked me to sit for the briefing on the rather uncomfortable chair. “Young man, you can rest assured you are not ill.” That was balm on my broken soul. As he continued, the lightning hit me. “They suffer from androgenetic alopecia, which is the scientific term for hereditary hair loss … blablabla …” I was devastated. But it was not long before I caught myself again. This idiot had no idea! Such a hollow chatter. As if I did not know exactly what androgenetic alopecia means. Okay, he was right about one thing. A bald head is hereditary. But that was precisely why it was impossible for me to get one. The only excuse I could give him credit was that he did not know our family at all.

In any case, I was sick and tired of these doctors. Inflated people. Morons. From Tuten and bubbles no idea, but taught rumlabern. Angry, I went home.

There I completely capsulated and scoured the entire scientific literature on alopecia. To my great joy, I found only what I already knew: bald heads are hereditary. At least since the research of Hamilton this is clearly proven. Science does not allow the slightest doubt. There is no jarring about that. That belongs today to the general education. You do not even have to know what dihydrotestosterone and 5-alpha reductase type II means.

I thanked God and the relentless regime of my family clan for my good genes.

Encouraged by the incontestable knowledge of science, I carried out my statistical studies even more conscientiously.

As the trend accelerated, I was close to suicide. An old acquaintance advised me to go to a naturopath. “She understands what’s in her field, and she’s a world-renowned astrology talent.” Yes, this combination was just the thing. Only through the mediation of my acquaintances was it possible to get an early appointment with this much-sought-after luminary. Well, six weeks, I still had to be patient. When the appointment approached, I was nervously at the end.

Her appearance and ambience were a bit strange, and I felt a great desire to reverse the heel. But then I immediately realized that I could trust this woman. “You do not need to be afraid, Mr. Wohlstetter, this is certainly not alopecia, which is an increased sensitivity to the phasic shift in the declination of your ascendant.” I was deeply impressed by her competence. After all, she was only a woman. “Fortunately, there are simple antidotes.” She held a small bottle in front of my eyes. “Take 7 drops of this tincture, rub them between your hands and apply the solution to the whole head, it is very important that you start it in the evening before the full moon and that you do exactly 7 days. Always exactly one hour after moonrise. “Then she fished an even smaller bottle from the overloaded shelf, apparently she was afraid that I would not even see it, she held the tiny thing so close to my face that it nearly touched me Nose squeezed, and that’s where I’m a bit far-sighted. “Then take 3 drops a day from this bottle. Dilute them in one eighth of a liter of sesame oil. Warm the solution on an open flame. In no case on an electric or a gas stove. Make sure that it is exactly 37 degrees. Rub it into your hair exactly twenty-four minutes before going to sleep. You’ll see, in three months, your problem is resolved. Embarrassingly, I followed their instructions. The first month passed. The second month passed. The sinfully expensive miniature bottles were running out quickly. But the trend was merciless in the direction taken. I dare not confess what losses were to be complained week after week. Ascending trend. Every glance in the mirror made it painfully clear that my hairline was shifting further and further backwards. Mercilessly. Millimeter by millimeter.

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I had hidden in my apartment. Firmly isolated from the family. Then I received the news that my brother Siegbert, barely four years older than me, is finally getting married. In three weeks. Thankfully, that was high time. Then soon the bridal show would be started for me. The joy lasted only briefly. Back on the ground of the facts, I became fully aware of the hopelessness of my situation. I could not show myself at the family party. Absolutely no way. That just did not work. That was impossible. But a family celebration was an inevitable must. There was no excuse. No ifs and no buts. Certainly not when it came to a wedding. Especially not at my brother’s wedding. A lack would have been possible only with a written certificate from the intensive care unit.

The rescue came unexpectedly. When my fellow student Spinderella was at the door – unannounced as always – I did not want to let her in first. But a woman like Spinderella can not be shaken off. She held her thumb on the bell until I surrendered completely unnerved. “My God, Bodo, what do you look like, what happened to your hair?” The shock was deep. But Spinderella is a robust nature. And practical, she is always in the wind of the latest trends. When the first shock came, she had, as always, a solution immediately. The magic word was Feng Shui. “It’s crystal clear, Bodo, that your hair must run wild in this environment, bring order to your environment, and you bring order to your head.” That’s it. A stone fell from my heart. Yes, with Feng Shui, I would get all the problems under control. Once and for all. So I was able to drive to the wedding party with complete peace of mind. Immediately after the festival, Feng Shui would put the broken structure of my world back in balance.

With that joyful certainty the fear of the family celebration disappeared. But, as might be expected, my sight was a severe shock to my parents. From afar I could see my father froze and my mother went pale. She threatened to fall over on the spot. Hastily, I called out to them, “Mom, daddy, do not worry, you can stay calm, mom, dad, you really do not need to worry.” The explanation I had worked out quickly went over my lips. The doctor said this is not a bad thing, and by now she’s already fully cured, this damned virus looks a lot like a chemo, but thank God, that’s over quickly. now comes the good news: After a few weeks, the hair grows even denser than before. Is not that great? “Uff, that had just gone well, limb by limb was moving again into my father’s mother took a deep breath, the blood resumed its circulation and the spirits returned to her. Did you scare me? But if that is so, then you have been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy. Then in the end you will trump Siegbert. “And father said:” Yes, our good Siegbert. He’s under the hood tomorrow. And then it’s your turn. It comes as called, when your hair is even thicker than before. Then we can throw more at the bridal show more in the scales. Congratulations, my son. ” Is not that great? “Uff, that had just gone well, limb by limb was moving again into my father’s mother took a deep breath, the blood resumed its circulation and the spirits returned to her. Did you scare me? But if that is so, then you have been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy. Then in the end you will trump Siegbert. “And father said:” Yes, our good Siegbert. He’s under the hood tomorrow. And then it’s your turn. It comes as called, when your hair is even thicker than before. Then we can throw more at the bridal show more in the scales. Congratulations, my son. ” Is not that great? “Uff, that had just gone well, limb by limb was moving again into my father’s mother took a deep breath, the blood resumed its circulation and the spirits returned to her. Did you scare me? But if that is so, then you have been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy. Then in the end you will trump Siegbert. “And father said:” Yes, our good Siegbert. He’s under the hood tomorrow. And then it’s your turn. It comes as called, when your hair is even thicker than before. Then we can throw more at the bridal show more in the scales. Congratulations, my son. ” Link by link came movement in my father again. Mother took a deep breath. The blood resumed its circulation and the spirits returned to it. “My God, have you scared me, but if that’s the case, then you’ve been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy, and you’ll end up triumphing over Siegbert.” And father said: “Yes, our good Siegbert, which is under the hood from tomorrow and then it’s your turn, because it comes as called, if your hair is still thicker than before, then we can at the bridal show even more in toss the balance, congratulations, my son. ” Link by link came movement in my father again. Mother took a deep breath. The blood resumed its circulation and the spirits returned to it. “My God, have you scared me, but if that’s the case, then you’ve been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy, and you’ll end up triumphing over Siegbert.” And father said: “Yes, our good Siegbert, which is under the hood from tomorrow and then it’s your turn, because it comes as called, if your hair is still thicker than before, then we can at the bridal show even more in toss the balance, congratulations, my son. ” But if that is so, then you have been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy. Then in the end you will trump Siegbert. “And father said:” Yes, our good Siegbert. He’s under the hood tomorrow. And then it’s your turn. It comes as called, when your hair is even thicker than before. Then we can throw more at the bridal show more in the scales. Congratulations, my son. ” But if that is so, then you have been really lucky with the disease, my poor boy. Then in the end you will trump Siegbert. “And father said:” Yes, our good Siegbert. He’s under the hood tomorrow. And then it’s your turn. It comes as called, when your hair is even thicker than before. Then we can throw more at the bridal show more in the scales. Congratulations, my son. ”

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By and by the whole kinship arrived. Of course everyone was shocked at first. And it was very tiring to tell everyone the story. But in the end I was always envied. Intoxicated by so much attention and the constant repetition, I completely forgot that I had just invented this story.

On the eve of the festivities then the usual Gaudi. To start off, as always, the already heard a thousand times Histörchen hunting for the genetic submarines. Yes, it had not been uncommon for creatures to smuggle into our exclusive family clan who had a bald head in their relationship. Every single applicant and every single candidate said: Family clan be vigilant! “In the old days, it was easy – all you had to do was scour the family environment – the black camouflage’s primitive camouflage blew up immediately.” – “Oh, yes, these naive fools combing their thinning hair tresses across the head from one side, you have to be stupid that way.” – “Even more ridiculous are the weights, “The chastisement did not end, the laughter grew louder and louder.” It’s not so easy nowadays. These toupe specialists are getting more and more sophisticated. And the damn surgeons work more and more perfect. “-” But nevertheless, Ernst-Heinrich, a trained eye recognizes this immediately. “-” Well, it’s really not that easy anymore. A wedding is a very expensive business these days. Even the private investigators devour a small fortune. You’ve all heard it: Britta, our bride, who is highly esteemed by all, has a great relationship; and to all evil they are scattered all over the world. Alone the travel expenses! I’m not allowed to think about it anymore. “-” Well, who did. So much must be worth the genetic purity, Wolf-Herrmann. “-” You’re right. Who else but us should protect the people from the bald-headed decadence? ”

Then the fun was continued as usual with Dölle. “You all still remember the dölle.” I still wonder today, where this man took the courage to walk in front of the class with full bald heads every day? Imagine this: A teacher with bald heads! a person of authority, how should a bald man have authority? ” – “Yes, it is irresponsible that the school authorities do not strictly intervene here.” – “But it’s not all school alone, my dear Edelgard, you can see them all over the place, on the street, in public offices and authorities, everywhere you just look, they’re running around unabashedly.” The contributions rolled over. Everyone wanted to speak. “Today, these publicity-hungry movie actors even voluntarily shave a record.” – ” Just like those hollow-headed football players. “-” Just stop me with soccer players. They all have a head like a football. Not in form, but in content. “-” Exactly! Their heads are just as hollow as their implement. “-” The worst thing I think about it is that even politicians are showing their bald heads in public. No wonder that our state is going downhill. “-” Well, on television watch at least at the correspondents and news anchors a bit. “-” That, but then the Toupet hangs so wrong that you have to zap away immediately. “And so it went on happily. – “Exactly, where the head is just as hollow as her work tool.” – “I think it’s worst, even if politicians still present their bald heads in public – no wonder that our state is going downhill.” – “Well, on television watch at least at the correspondents and news anchors a bit on it.” – “That’s it, but then the Toupet hangs so wrong that you have to move away immediately.” And so it went on happily. – “Exactly, where the head is just as hollow as her work tool.” – “I think it’s worst, even if politicians still present their bald heads in public – no wonder that our state is going downhill.” – “Well, on television watch at least at the correspondents and news anchors a bit on it.” – “That’s it, but then the Toupet hangs so wrong that you have to move away immediately.” And so it went on happily.

The highlight was also this time the well-liked slideshow. Here we could properly celebrate our family. Dense full hair on all heads. Slide by slide. Dense full hair. The pride of our clan. It was a bliss. Here everyone could tune into the song of praise to our good genes. Finally, the moment came to which I was always anxious ..