How to recognize a foreigner?

ITALIANS (Homo Pesadísimus)

Swarm our beaches in swarms of up to 50 specimens, harassing relentlessly every aunt they catch, or failing that, anything with feminine form that is put to shot. The cause of such craving is that almost all those who come are from the Naples or Sicily, and you know how women are there: fat, with more hair than a bear and a family ready to riddled you if you You approach them.

NÓRDICOS (Homo Kartofen)

Older people are a bargain, but young people are the most ruinous for us. They go with the backpack loaded with Wally plan, sleep in campsites and spend less than Adam and Eve in the aesthetic. On the beaches they are detected kilometers away due to their unmistakable “after-sun” smell. The Swedes are still very good, but to be honest, today those from here have nothing to envy.

YANQUIS (Homo Burguer & Cola)

Beware of those people! They are untouchable! You accidentally step on a bunion to one of them and are able to send you to the IV Fleet and make a storm of the desert that you do not see. Anyway, it is rare to see anyone here, since they do not know where any country is except theirs. So if you see any, either it’s the Mulder or the Scully, or they’re from the CIA.

They always walk in a group with bags, baseball caps and shorts. They wear shirts that say: “Michael Jordan is not black, it is just a different kind of white man”. They are fat with their hair tied and their mouth painted like a clown. They have a cold sandwich, a coke, chips and chocolate. They put Ketchup on absolutely everything and get drunk with two Buds.

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They associate Latino with Chicano and, whenever they see a Latino, they expect you to sing the bamba. They believe that they are the “only ones” that can be called Americans. Wherever they go they carry an NBA poster or a glass of a Mc Donalds promotion. They never believe anything, everything seems “unbelievable”!

INGLESES (Cogorzus Incontrolablus)

Specimens very curious for their system of changing color, they go from pure white Mendoza to red hot Crab in just five minutes. When the sun rises, they are thrown on the beach with bronzers, creams, lotions, ointments, etc.

That day, at night they have a system to keep red: huge amounts of alcohol that they swallow without pause. If they are drunk, they only speak of “rugby” and “football”, and they of decoration and of the new teapot. And they start humming Scottish marches. Also at five minutes (English punctuation!), They are already singing OEOEOEOE, and breaking it all with headbutts, let it not be said that the English people do not use their heads. If they do not find anything to destroy, they make the Harakiri with a litrona.

Also, they do not say “toilet” but “lavatory”, and if you pronounce “pari” (“party”) they look at you with a face of disgust! Where they go they carry a British flag (Jack flag), an Oasis record and Manchester United shorts. Not to mention the Holligans!

FRANCESES (Allonsanfan Delapatri)

The typical guiris par excellence. It seems incredible that with the amount of time that they have been here during summer, they are still of such tacky habits and jets. They still put prawns and go with those horrible little white cloth caps to the crappy beach bars to eat the paella with flies and watery sangria. What’s worse, they are getting more and more, and they come with just enough to spend the week. And we left our salary on a weekend in Paris!

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JAPANESE (Nikon Yashika)

Unmistakable groups of small yellow things that swarm around making photos, whose motives go from the hole in a sewer cover to a used tampax. They are discreet and quiet people and the only thing they hear is the buzz of their Autofocus. Those who arrive here must be the gandules and pasotas, because they work there 500 days a year.


Always ride a bicycle. They do not know where America is but they know how to get there. Wherever they go they carry boxes of soy sauce and essences. They cook in groups of up to five at the same time for 3 or 4 hours. They laugh at any joke no matter how bad it was.

LATINOS-HISPANOS (except for the Argentines, because they are another pod)

When they’re drunk, it’s like singing rancheras and sauces of spite. They try to dance sevillanas in the middle of the track to the rhythm of techno. Where they go they offer their services of dance classes. Out of their countries all the food tastes bad. That’s why, wherever they go, they carry a bottle of tequila, rum or a bag of coffee. They can not pronounce the words ending in “ed” in English correctly