“Would you like a pear?” Pears kept fresh in the fridge for weeks. In contrast to the tomato, which was still in the lower compartment.
“Oh, well. That’s very friendly, “said Angela Merkel, letting her mouth hang limply down. Maybe she was not happy about my offer. Who could say that? She had such a sad face.
The tomato was mushy and crushed. She had become soggy in the fridge, crushed, she had already been in the discount store. “I’m always eating a pear in the bathtub right now.”
“Sure. In the bathtub … “repeated Angela Merkel somewhat irritated.
I threw the tomato into the garbage bin. Why had I ever bought such a crushed tomato? The other tomatoes were even more crushed, as far as I could check (I did not want to touch all the tomatoes) and so I decided to buy this tomato, knowing that I would only get them out of the fridge after she had become muddy enough to dispose of them with a clear conscience. But as long as a tomato is just crushed – you do not want to eat it, nor can you throw it away.
Mrs. Merkel sat down. “Well, then give me the pear. Is probably better for me than the stuff that would have set me otherwise today. “She smiled (probably). The joyous election campaign smile that had been taught her more than a year ago had become much flabby in the course of her time as Federal Chancellor and hardly recognizable as such.
“You should wait. I had made the incredible discovery eating pear. Maybe in principle it only happens with a pear in the tub. ”
” … Pear in the tub? “Mrs. Merkel repeated and stood up. “Something is burning outside. Does that have anything to do with your discovery? ”
I shook my head. “No, that’s our paper mill. It’s always burning. “
“But now you finally say” Angela Merkel turned around. “What’s up with your discovery? My diary is packed and the new health care reform is not finished yet. Or should I say better: not ready again. ”
” I’d rather show you that than explain. Unlikely that you would believe me. And as far as the health care reform is concerned, you should not always be ordered by the Prime Ministers. “I secretly admitted that I had forgotten whether I liked the current health care reform or not. I thought I remembered that social security contributions should be raised and decided that it was a mistake to have advised Mrs. Merkel to get her way.
“Well, today I have prevailed. You know, George Bush wanted to go barbecue with me again. He quickly told me about the incredible discovery that you wanted to share with me. Whatever you have planned here, it will probably not be worse than a barbecue with Bush to eat and drink. ”
” Bush not drink anymore. ”
” Well. Jo. Yes, “said Mrs. Merkel.
“Moreover, it is in this country at the time of the year but too cold to go barbecuing.”
“You know that. And I know that. “
I plugged the air supply hose into the designated opening and pressed the Saugnoppen firmly to the ceramic floor. “In the past, I always put the compressor on the floor. But that was not so good. ”
” Yes, that is very dangerous, “said Mrs. Merkel.
“No, I was not afraid of that. I had always wrapped the compressor with an old pillow so it would not get wet. Also because of the noise. My neighbors are very sensitive. But the problem was that the hose was always flung out of the opening and then it was off with the hot tub. ”
” Aha. “
“Now I have the compressor attached to the wall. Holes, dowels, hooks. Everything selfmade. That’s a little masterpiece for me. And besides, the hose will not fluff out of the opening. ”
” Well, at least. ”
” It’s funny. When the compressor was still on the ground that’s always happened now that it’s hanging on the wall, not anymore. You as a physicist can certainly explain that to me. ”
” Maybe. No idea. I do not care. ”
” And that’s certainly safer now. ”
” Safer? You attached the compressor directly above the bathtub
. ” ” Oh yes. Right!”
“I’m not going to get you in the bath!” Merkel’s face lost its slackness in indignation.
“I would recommend that to you,” I said while getting rid of my pants. “Otherwise I can not show you the theory with the pear.”
“I do not escape Bush’s determination to go with you in the bathtub instead. You guys are all alike. ”
I got sick. “What are you imagining? Do you think that will be a pleasure for me to share the pan with you? For me, much less than for you. You are much older than me and how you look under your clothes has always been beyond my imagination. I will experience it right away. Now get undressed and come in the tub! “
Angela Merkel sighed. “Now. I’m afraid I will not be able to enforce my position today and stick to the suggestion that in this bathroom is obviously a majority. ”
” Then you’re welcome to say Edmund to me, “I joked.
„Sie essen aber langsam“, meinte Angela Merkel.
Meine Birne war erst zur Hälfte abgenagt und wurde schon braun. „Das habe ich schon oft gehört.“ Ich erinnerte mich daran, dass ich an Birnen schon immer nach der Hälfte die Lust verloren hatte. Aber was sollte man machen? Eine Birne in zwei Teile aufschneiden und die zweite Hälfte mindestens eine halbe Woche bis zur nächsten Wanne dunkle Farben annehmend liegen lassen? Ich bearbeitete meine Birne bis sie so weit war wie diejenige von Frau Merkel. „Und nun zu meiner Theorie:“
„Das wurde auch Zeit.“ Man konnte ein Lispeln in ihrer Stimme hören. Welche ihrer Imitatorinnen war das noch, die das so gut nachmachen konnte?
„Isst man in der Badewanne eine Birne, was hat man dann hinterher?“
„Einen sauren Geschmack im Mund?“
„Auch. Aber vor allem hat man einen Birnenbutzen!“
„Einen was?“
„Oh ja. Das ist der süddeutsche Ausdruck. Wussten Sie, dass es für den Birnen- und vor allem Apfelrest mindestens drei oder vier regional unterschiedliche Begriffe gibt? Kein Mensch, der nördlich von Stuttgart wohnt, weiß was ein Butzen ist. Zumindest beim Apfel heißt es Butzen. Bei der Birne könnte man darüber streiten. Ich hab mal im Internet nachgesehen, was die anderen Begriffe waren.“
„Und?“
„Hab sie alle vergessen. Ich bleib bei Butzen. Wie sagen Sie denn dazu?“
„Birne.“
„Aha.“
„Ihre Theorie. Ähm Edmund.“ Sie schmunzelte.
„Der Birnenbutzen ist nicht nur braun, sondern auch eine total eklige und störende Angelegenheit, wenn er für den Rest des Bades am Wannenrand rumliegt.“
„Da stimme ich aber zu. Und einen Müllkübel sehe ich hier auch nicht.“
„Dafür war kein Platz. Meine Wanne ist sehr groß, aber das Badezimmer eher klein. Nun lege ich den Butzen neben die Wanne, so dass ich ihn nicht sehen kann. Machen Sie bitte das selbe.“
Merkel tat wie ihr befohlen.
„Nun können wir den Butzen nicht mehr sehen.“
„Dann ist es ja gut.“
„Aber wir wissen, dass er noch da ist. Und das ist schlecht.“
Merkel schien zu grübeln. „Sie meinen, wenn man nachher die Wanne verlässt und die ekligen, ähm Butzen mitnehmen muss?“
„Dann auch. Ja, das ist ganz besonders übel, weil man sich so sauber fühlt und der Butzen keinen Stil mehr zum Tragen hat.“
„Ja, wieso verschwinden die Stile eigentlich immer?“
„Noch ein Rätsel, das irgendwann gelöst werden sollte. Aber zurück zur Theorie: Jetzt, da wir wissen, dass die Butzen neben der Badewanne liegen, ist das Wannenbad nicht mehr ganz das selbe, oder?“
„Aber wir sehen sie doch nicht.“
„Aber wir wissen, dass sie da sind.“
„Ja, und?“
„Und dieses Wissen fühlt sich anders an, als in der Wanne zu liegen und zu wissen, dass keine Butzen neben der Wanne liegen.“
„Wir könnten es einfach vergessen.“
„Ha“, lachte ich. „Haben Sie schon mal versucht, bewusst etwas zu vergessen? Wollen Sie vor sich hersagen: „Ich vergesse jetzt den Butzen. Ich vergesse jetzt den Butzen.“
„Ich könnte an etwas anderes denken.“
„Habe ich auch schon versucht. Und irgendwann plötzlich ist er wieder da, der Gedanke. Und mit ihm am Besten noch der zwanghafte Drang nachzusehen, ob der Butzen noch da ist. Nein, so geht das nicht.“
„Also dann. Was sollen wir gegen die Butzen tun?“
„Wir sehen die Butzen nicht. Sie könnten jetzt noch neben der Wanne liegen oder auch nicht. Solange wir nicht hinschauen haben wir weder den Beweis, noch den Gegenbeweis.“
„Es ist sehr wahrscheinlich dass sie noch dort liegen und praktisch unmöglich, dass sie jetzt nicht mehr da sind.“
„Da spricht die Physikerin in Ihnen? Das eine ist sehr wahrscheinlich, das andere sehr unwahrscheinlich. Beides ist möglich und für beides fehlt der Beweis. Ich behaupte, es ist eine Glaubensfrage.“
„Was? Nun, ich bin Protestantin…“
„Wir müssen einfach daran glauben, dass die Butzen nicht mehr da sind. Wir müssen uns im Zweifelsfalle in jeder Hinsicht selbst belügen, uns den Boden ohne Butzen vorstellen, uns einreden, wir hätten die Birne vor einer Woche bereits gegessen und die Butzen längst entsorgt.“
„Und womöglich noch dreimal in die Hände klatschen und sagen: Ich glaube daran. Ich glaube daran. Ich glaube daran.“
„Gar nicht schlecht, Frau Merkel. Möchten Sie es versuchen.“
„Mich selbst zu belügen?“
„Als Politikerin?“
„Ich werde es versuchen.“
“I like these comics. They remind me of bathing with my parents when I was a boy. ”
Angela Merkel shrugged. “They did not exist with us. Too American. ”
” Did you know that the comics mostly come from Italy? ”
” No, how do you recognize that? ”
” Because Mickey Mouse wears long pants. With short pants, the comic comes from Denmark. ”
” What you tell me so everything. ”
Then I noticed it again. “Sometimes you sound like one of your impersonators.
Like with the lisp. ” ” Well, they’re finally trying to imitate me, too. “
“Yes, but each one completely different. One of them gave you a Berlin accent, the other one you speak Saxon. “I tried to fool her into the different voices.
“That sounds pretty weird.”
“That’s because I mimic bad imitators bad. There is not much left. What I like best is a Merkel imitator, whom I have never heard myself, but who can play my brother super. Take care. “I made some incomprehensible sounds in a very tight voice.
“Now imitate your brother imitating a Merkel imitator.”
“Yeah, but that voice is just great. Try them out too. “
It rang for the third time. “Do not you want to open the door?”
“No. This is just my neighbor who complains that the music is too loud. ”
Now there was a knock. “We have now run, no music.”
“No matter. Whenever I’m in the tub, it rings at the door. That’s how it is. And it’s always the neighbor to complain about my music. ”
” But if there’s no music? “
“That does not matter. My neighbor knows that I always lie in the bathtub when she rings me. And that’s the time when I can not come to the door to contradict her, which of course I would otherwise do if she complained about my music even though I had no music to play. Only then can she let her anger run wild without exposing myself to my contradiction.
“But it rings again. We will not let them go while we’re in the tub. ”
” We do not need that either. ”
” But that gets on my nerves. ”
” Then let’s go the other way. ”
” Shall we ring her go?”
“No. We will flee from her. I think it’s time to introduce you to my discovery. ”
Angela Merkel straightened up. “Oh, I thought your discovery was the magic of our pear trimmings.”
“It’s got something to do with it.”
“Window closed” confirmed Mrs. Merkel.
“Hot water refilled. Lower the shutters completely so that no light gets inside. ”
” Hey, sir. Shutters opaque. ”
” Come back to the tub. Stand behind me. As soon as I start the hyperspace drive, turn the light bulb out of its socket. ”
” Den … what do you want to start? Ouch! It’s way too hot. ”
” Turn it just a little way out of the socket. With wet fingers no problem. ”
I programmed the hyperspace flight for a quarter of an hour, course Andromeda fog. With stay and return flight.
“Would you like to switch on your whirlpool mat now or what are you doing about the compressor? I thought we agreed we did not want to use it for security reasons. ”
” Calm. I count from 3 to 0! 3 – 2 – 1 – 0! ”
” A nice feeling. Good for the back, “said Angela Merkel.
“Well, who would have thought that interstellar travel is so enjoyable?”
“Oh, stop it now. We’re still in the bathtub. ”
” I do not contradict you. ”
” What, you do not contradict me? That’s a completely new situation for me. ”
” No. We are sitting in the bathtub. In my bathroom. And we fly with the bathroom to the Andromeda Nebula. ”
” Why? “
“Because I set that up on my control keyboard.”
“Oh nonsense. You just turned on your hot tub. ”
” Maybe. Maybe not. How do you want to find out? ”
” I could get dressed, go out the door and probably meet your neighbor. ”
” Are you so sure? ”
She smirked. “Pretty.”
“But can you completely rule out that we could not be on a flight to the Andromeda Nebula?”
“Virtually one hundred percent”
“Practical,” I repeated. “And if this ‘practical’ only includes the probability of one per pill or less, then that means you risk your life as soon as you open the door.
“A very small risk I would say.”
I heard her getting up in the tub. “As unlikely as my neighbor’s disappearance?”
“What
do you mean?” “Do not you hear? She’s gone. ”
Merkel sat down again. “She could have left.”
“Or we’re light years away from her now. Do you hear it? ”
” What? ”
” There is no sound coming in from the outside. I tell you, we’re in outer space. ”
” The window is closed and the compressor is damn loud. ”
” Well, we’ll see. In a few minutes we would have reached the Andromeda Nebula. “
“Are you listening?” I whispered.
“No.”
“Exactly. The hyperspace drive is off and there is still no sound. ”
” I have water in my ears. ”
” No. We’re in a distant galaxy. ”
” When do we get out? ”
” We’re not getting out. ”
” Why not? ”
” Where do you want to go? In the free space? When you open that door, we’re both dead. ”
” What do we do then? ”
” I programmed a five-minute stay. Then we’ll fly back. ”
She sighed. “Sorry, then I have no proof. The journey may not have taken place. ”
” Or we’ll be floating in space near the Andromeda Nebula. “
“None of us will open the door and find out the truth.”
“Remember the pear trash. Which truth is the fairer? To believe, lying beside the bathtub, the slugs or believe there are none? ”
” There are none. We have already cleared away a week ago! Ssssscht, I hear something. ”
” Yes, I believe, on the wall a dowel has solved. “
“The way back is not as comfortable as the outward journey,” shouted Angela Merkel. Her body made jerky movements. Her voice stuttered.
“I have to set the hyperspace speed too high.” Muscle cramps shot through my whole body.
“I-I g-think, I-I’m not over-n-sticking!”
“I-I’m not either!”
“A-But you know w-what?”
“Ww-what?”
“I-I g-believe S-you were R-right! ”
” Sss-sure! “
Two pear styles floated in the tub.