Jokes about Alcohol and Alcoholics

  1. Man comes home very drunk. His wife greets him at the door:
    Wife: Where have you been?
    Husband: I was at my friend’s house.
    Wife: What did you do there?
    Husband: We were playing chess!
    Wife: Then why do you smell like alcohol????
    Husband: What, am I suppose to smell like CHESS???
  2. One man says to another:
    – You become more and more like an alcoholic every day!
    – Why so?
    – Because your hands are shaking when you bring a bucket of vodka to your mouth !!!
  3. How to distinguish quality from fake alcohol?
    Very simple: If you survived – it’s a high-quality alcohol, did not survive – fake.
  4. I wish that the alcohol was at home just in case, but just in case comes when the alcohol appears at home.
  5. America:
    Thanksgiving: Turkey, Family Dinner.
    Halloween: costumes, sweets.

    New Year: get drunk.
    Christmas: get drunk.
    March 8: get drunk.

  6. In addition to workaholics and alcoholics, there are also moneyaholics. It is easy to recognize such people: when you have to pay for something, their hands tremble greatly.
  7. According to our women, men today are defective:
    – If not an alcoholic, then a fool;
    – If not a fool, then impotent;
    – If not impotent, then gay;
    – If not gay, then an alcoholic.
  8. Guys on the day of getting paid leave the factory:
    – Let’s throw a coin – let God judge how we spend the money.
    – How ?
    – Like so:
    1) if an eagle falls, we’ll go buy the bottle first;
    2) if tails we’ll buy a snack first;
    3) if it lands on an edge, we’ll go to the bar, sit like normal people;
    4) and if it freezes in the air, we will give all money to our wives.
  9. A man came home, drunk. He thinks that he needs to disguise himself from his wife somehow: I’ll take a book, as if I’m very tired and reading. She won’t suspect anything.The wife comes in and begins to scream & swear at him.
    He tells her:
    -Why are you screaming at me? I’m just reading a book.
    And she tells him:
    – Close the suitcase, you stupid alcoholic, and go to bed – sleep it off.
  10. Guys are drinking. One became sick, went to the bushes to puke. Johnny, should we pour you another one?- Yes, but only half.
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