There was 3 guys stranded in the mountains and they weren’t going to be rescued for 3 days. So they all made a plan that each night one would get the food. So the first night the 1st guy goes out and comes back with a big deer. So the […]
A Scottish couple took in a young woman as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub. “Monday’s the best night, when my […]
An old drunk is walking down the beach and sees a lamp sticking out of the sand. Thinking he can pawn it for a little drinkin money he pulls it out and rubs the side to clean the sand off, when out pops a Genie! “I will grant you Two […]
A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.The bartender thinks “Wow, a talking duck,” and pours him a beer. The bartender asks “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?” The duck says “No, I live across town. I’m a drywaller, […]
Four people are on a plane: the pope, the president of the United States, the prime minister of the UK and a schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and the pilot informs them that there is only three parachutes available. The prime minister says: “I need a parachute, I’ve […]
A little girl and her mother are at Church… when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. “Yes,” the girl says. “But I […]
Three guys go in for a job interview The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose […]
A missionary was spending time with a tribe in Africa when the chiefs wife gave birth to a white baby. The tribe was absolutely enraged at what this could mean since the missionary was the only white guy for miles. As the warriors of the tribe were closing in, about […]
A priest goes in a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion. Priest: “Dear Lord, I haven’t asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace […]
A man stumbled home late last night, after another evening of drinking with his buddies.Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught […]
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and he throws up all over the front of his shirt. “Oh great, my wife is going to kill me,” he mumbles to himself. The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards […]
Two women stumbling home from the pub are forced to take an emergency stop in the graveyard on the way home. The first uses her knickers to wipe and then drops them in the bin with the funeral flowers. The other uses a wreath from a new grave. The next […]
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as […]
