The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help:“Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!” The police dispatcher responded,“Sir, I don’t think I heard you correctly? A cat at your home?” “A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!”Again […]
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live […]
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. “How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you are in good health. They are taking […]
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door:“Stay where you are.” She said.“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a […]
A guy sits down to play poker at a table in vegas. Next to him sits a stunningly beautiful woman who looks a bit familiar. “Excuse me, miss, but did you perform a duet with Tony Bennett a few years ago?” “Yes, that was me.” She responded. The man put […]
John walks into a pub and gets chatting to this big muscly guy at the bar. “What are you drinking?” he asks. “Magic beer,” says the big guy. John laughs. “Come on… there’s no such thing as magic beer.” “Oh yeah?” says the big guy. “Watch this!” He takes a […]
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, […]
An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why did you do that?” …… “Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun,” the elephant said. […]
A man and his wife are at the zoo.Eventually, they reach the monkey exhibit, where they see two monkeys doing something fairly… “naughty”. The wife says, “Do you see what those two monkeys are doing?” The husband says, “I can’t believe they’re just going at it like that.” The wife […]
A rabbi goes into a tailor’s and asks for a pair of pants. The tailor takes his measurements and says that the pants may take a few weeks. He comes back the next week and they aren’t ready He comes back the week after that and they still aren’t ready […]
An owl is sitting at the top of his very own pine treeOne day, the tree starts violently shaking. He looks down and sees an elephant at the bottom starting to climb the tree. “What do you think you’re doing?” Asks the owl. “Oh don’t mind me, I’m just coming […]
A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks ‘What are you having?’. The man says boisterously ‘Gimme a shot of your special scotch, the one aged 25 years!’ The bartender goes to the back and returns with a shot. The man takes the shot and spits it out. He […]
Two stoners on bikes were riding through downtown where they saw an old building with ornate decorations that they had to stop to admire. One of the stoners says to the other: this building is so beautiful, man, that I wish it was closer to our house so I can […]
